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2009
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May
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Big Mistake
05/07/09
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a di -
Information
05/07/09
A woman, calling a hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Betty Sanders, in room 1012.&q -
Almost Like New
05/07/09
A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon.
He could choose either a teacher's brain which would cost him $10,000 or a politician's which would cost $100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's bra
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Big Mistake
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May
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2008
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July
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Monsters Under His Bed
07/17/08
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try
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Monsters Under His Bed
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May
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What Did The Doctor Say?
05/23/08
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." -
Holes
05/11/08
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And -
Shingles
05/04/08
A fellow walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, Shingles.
She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
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What Did The Doctor Say?
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April
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Getting Into Heaven
04/24/08
Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background and St. Peter appears.
St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."
The first one says: "U -
Cost Itemization
04/04/08
A rich businessman’s wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation.
The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of
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Getting Into Heaven
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March
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Spaghetti
03/20/08
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. -
Black And Brown
03/16/08
A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons.
He talks to him. Nothing obvious.
He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.
Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons -
I Hurt All Over
03/13/08
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific.& -
Trained In CPR
03/06/08
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I’ve had a course in first aid and I’m trained in CPR."
The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the -
Wet Paint
03/03/08
The head shrinks in a mental institution had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies.
When they get to the movie theatre, there are wet paint signs pointing to the benches.
The shrinks just si
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Spaghetti
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February
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Whole Again
02/27/08
There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condi -
Terrible Pain
02/25/08
A lady midget goes into a doctor’s office on a rainy day and tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."
He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I’ll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he works on her -
Too Many Questions
02/23/08
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I’m a vet - I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s -
The Secret Of Staying Young
02/21/08
Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all -
Allergy
02/19/08
I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc.
The nurse came into the exam room and started to ask me routine questions. When she got to "Is he allergic -
Heoric Act
02/18/08
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John ou -
Fit Middle Aged Woman
02/16/08
Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book. Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat.
"It&# -
Secret For A Long Life
02/14/08
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a cas -
Why Are You Here
02/13/08
Two kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got n -
More Medical One Or Two Liners
02/12/08
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
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Really Bad News
02/10/08
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 month -
Vasectomy
02/08/08
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a -
My Wife Is Going Deaf
02/06/08
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little clos -
Memory Problems
02/04/08
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After ch -
Medical One Or Two Liners
02/01/08
What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?
A double blind study!
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay out of those places!
Q. What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon
A. God dosn’t think he is an or
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Whole Again
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January
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Drawn Blinds
01/31/08
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn' -
I don't see anything wrong
01/30/08
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watc -
Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery
01/29/08
1. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3. Darn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4. Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
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Heart Transplant
01/29/08
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax i -
Even More More Quick Doctor Jokes
01/29/08
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
P -
Drinking
01/29/08
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober" -
Bad Cure
01/29/08
A primary care Doctor, entrusted his practice to his son - a recent medical school graduate. When the the father returned, the son told him among other things, that he had cured Ms. Anderson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.
"My boy," said the father, &q -
Doctor One Liners
01/28/08
Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ?till I get there
Doctor I think -
Broken Leg
01/26/08
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, -
Birth Controll Pills
01/25/08
Mrs. Jones went to visit her doctor. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Jones, but you're 68 years old. What possible use -
Expectant Daughter
01/24/08
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, &qu -
Even More Quick Doctor Jokes
01/24/08
A patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
A -
Good News Bad News 2
01/23/08
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news, "the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your -
Waiting Room
01/23/08
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chew -
Will It Hurt Much
01/22/08
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies fr -
More Quick Doctor Jokes
01/21/08
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
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Quick Doctor Jokes
01/21/08
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
Doctor: Sell!
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, to -
Good News Bad News 1
01/21/08
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news
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Drawn Blinds
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July
Doctor Jokes Humor and Satire
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