Doctor Jokes Humor and Satire2009-11-07T14:15:01ZResources For Attorneys dj@resourcesforattorneys.comCopyright 2009, Resources For Attorneys dj@resourcesforattorneys.comSPHPBLOGBig Mistake “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it– stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.” “That’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail again and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!” “I don’t remember much after that!”]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090507-0138332009-05-07T00:00:00Z2009-05-07T00:00:00ZInformation The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Betty Sanders, in room 1012."
He said, "Oh, yes. Ms. Sanders is doing very well. In fact, she's had three meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Bertran is going to send her home the day after tomorrow."
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Betty Sanders in 1012! My doctor, never tells me anything."]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090507-0127172009-05-07T00:00:00Z2009-05-07T00:00:00ZAlmost Like New He could choose either a teacher's brain which would cost him $10,000 or a politician's which would cost $100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the teachers's?" asked the clearly puzzled man.
"No, not exactly." replied the surgeon, "The politician's has never been used so it's almost like new."]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry090507-0120212009-05-07T00:00:00Z2009-05-07T00:00:00ZMonsters Under His Bed A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080717-1911002008-07-18T00:00:00Z2008-07-18T00:00:00ZWhat Did The Doctor Say? "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080523-2122462008-05-24T00:00:00Z2008-05-24T00:00:00ZHoles There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there’s a guy who specializes in your hole.
They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can’t help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why?
So he can make a new hole!]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080511-1852562008-05-11T00:00:00Z2008-05-11T00:00:00ZShingles He said, Shingles.
She took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, Shingles.
She took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, Shingles.
So gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.He said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, where.
He said, outside in the truck, where do you want them?]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080504-2219472008-05-05T00:00:00Z2008-05-05T00:00:00ZGetting Into Heaven St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."
The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were."
Peter looks at him and says: "Heck, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!"
Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.
Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."
Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children."
Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too."
"OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?"
The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent."
Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair."
"The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive.
The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones:
"Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized you a two-day stay."]]>http://doctorjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-2106172008-04-25T00:00:00Z2008-04-25T00:00:00Z